157. The Approval You Really Need

by | Jul 20, 2023

Here’s the truth: you have incredible, one-of-a-kind ideas! These are ideas the world NEEDS right now.

Yet we often talk ourselves out of taking action because we’re subconsciously waiting for others to give us their approval.

…We spend a lot of time 2nd-guessing our idea – we doubt, we spin, we stagnate and stay stuck.

In this episode I focus on the approval you really need to move forward and how to get it.

I’ll see you inside! xo, Janeen

>> CLICK HERE to Watch on YouTube


[00:00:00] Janeen: Well, hey there. Welcome back to another episode of the podcast. I am Janeen Alley, and you are listening to becoming the c e o of your life today. So on the podcast, we specifically talk about rising above the mundane, reigniting your passion for life, and making an impact in the world. And today we are talking about the approval you need.

[00:00:21] So here is the truth. You have amazing ideas, and we often talk ourselves out of these amazing ideas for lots of different reasons, but one of ’em is because we are seeking the approval of other people instead of seeking the approval from within ourselves. When we don’t approve our own ideas, we spend a lot of time doubting our decisions or our creative impulses.

[00:00:49] We spend so much time spinning on these ideas that we end up not taking action. And when we’re taking on something that is brand new and we wanna move forward with [00:01:00] a new idea, something that has never been created before by us.

[00:01:04] We often feel super insecure and we often feel really scared, and we experience a lot of doubt because we’ve never done it before. Right? So with my business, I had an idea, but business was super foreign to me. And moving forward on this idea was really, really uncomfortable for me. And I didn’t really have any mentors or anything in my space who I could run these ideas by.

[00:01:31] And because I was insecure, what I was I was doing is I was trying to run these ideas by my husband who’s in the military. Like he doesn’t wanna run a business. When he retires as a dentist from the Air Force. He is going to work for someone else. He’s just not an entrepreneur and that’s totally fine.

[00:01:49] My husband is an amazing person, but as far as entrepreneurship goes and business and things like that, he’s just not a very good sounding board for me cuz every idea that I have, he’s like, yep, [00:02:00] sounds great. Run with that. Sounds good. But because I had no idea what it was I was doing, I subconsciously wanted him to make these decisions. And I wanted him to decide, and I wanted his approval on all of the things. This was not a good idea on my part, but this is what a lot of us do, right? I’m coaching a lot of people currently who spend a lot of time second guessing their ideas and what it is that they’re doing. So to become the c e O of our lives, you’ve got to stop seeking for other people’s approval.

[00:02:34] Other people’s validation of you is insatiable. You’re looking to feel grounded in their opinion of you or your ideas, and you can’t do that. You can never do that. You have to ground yourself in your own ideas and in your own creativity because no matter how much they believe in you, it’s not gonna transfer that belief to you.[00:03:00]

[00:03:00] You have to do that for yourself. Your own opinion on something needs to matter to you. I’m gonna say that to you one more time. I really want this to sink in: your own opinion on something needs to matter to you. And it needs to matter at least as much as someone else’s opinion. But oftentimes more than anyone else’s opinion. We’ve got instincts that we ignore.

[00:03:26] We’ve got these gut reactions that we often set aside and don’t pay attention to because we’re looking for approval outside of ourselves. Especially when it comes to ideas about how you spend your time. Those are the things that we need to connect with. We need to get grounded in ourselves.

[00:03:42] It’s not to say that you can’t take other people’s opinions into consideration, particularly if you’re working with a coach or you’re working with someone to help you do something but you need to tune into you This is so important. I was actually working with Karren, my massage therapist, who is so [00:04:00] wise.

[00:04:00] She is a gifted person. I hope at some point in your life you can meet Karen. If you’re local, reach out to me. I will connect you with her. If you’re coming to the wellness retreat, you’ll get to meet her there. But one of the things that she said the other day when I was getting a massage from her is you are putting more emphasis on what your business should be doing from other people’s opinions than your own, you need to come back to you. This was just a really good reminder for me. So this is something that we all do, right? Because sometimes we trust other people’s opinions more than ourselves because of their expertise or their experience or whatever. But ultimately, how we live our lives and how we spend our time needs to come from us.

[00:04:43] So I was coaching somebody the other day, and this very question has come up multiple times and she was like, I don’t know if I should grow a garden. She said, I really like the idea of a garden. I love the idea of learning something new. I wanna grow my own food. I love this [00:05:00] concept of gardening, but I’m not sure if I should. if you’ve ever come up with a question like this in your mind, I’m not sure if I should, I want you to think to yourself, says who? Who says you should do anything, says you right. Why? Why do you think that you should? I think sometimes our shoulds are really interesting.

[00:05:22] The should stories that we have are fascinating. Like, maybe you think you should grow a garden because that’s what good moms do, or because that’s the way it was done in your family, or because you wanna become more self-reliant, but you really have no interest in gardening whatsoever, but you feel like you should.

[00:05:40] You see how that’s like not a very good reason to grow a garden. You spend your time judging yourself and your choices because you feel like you should. You should spend your time doing something different than how you really wanna spend your time. Right? But we’re not asking these questions of ourselves about why we think we [00:06:00] should do something from a place of curiosity and compassion.

[00:06:03] We’re not asking, why do I want to do this? Why am I really doing this? We’re not stopping to look inside of ourselves. We’re stopping to look outside of ourselves for validation. When we’re doing that you will never feel validated because validation doesn’t come from other people. Validation comes from yourself.

[00:06:24] It comes from within you. So if we’re constantly seeking outside sources to tell us how we should live our lives, this is a very exhausting way to be because you’re just spinning. You’re not settling down and getting quiet on what it is that you really want. You’re not grounded in your own decisions.

[00:06:42] So, you know, you do this if you’re seeking for approval from other people all the time. You ask a lot of people a lot of different questions and it feels like you can’t stop talking about something like you’re running your garden idea by your friends.

[00:06:56] You’re talking to your mom about it on the phone. You stop your neighbor [00:07:00] like all of these people, and you talk about growing the garden. And you sometimes feel like you overshare because you’re talking to so many people about this thing. So I have somebody in my life, a relationship with someone who’s very close to me,

[00:07:14] she will call mom, she will call friends. She will call sister. She will call coworkers. She’ll call all these different people to ask for opinions about stuff, and then she doesn’t do anything that anybody says cuz she doesn’t want to. It’s not resonating with her. It’s not what she ultimately wants, but that’s not what she admits. So she doesn’t do anything. So anytime she calls me to be like, Hey, what should I do about this? I’ll tell her, but knowing full well she’s not gonna do anything. It really doesn’t matter.

[00:07:43] And sometimes I’ll tell her that. I’m like, it doesn’t really matter. What do you wanna do? Okay. Another reason or way that we know that we’re doing this is you’re not intentional about who you share things with. Remember what I told you about Brene Brown and how she says, The [00:08:00] people whose opinions matter to you in your life should fit on a one inch by one inch square paper.

[00:08:04] if you have a list of people who you run things by and it doesn’t fit on that piece of paper, and I’m not talking about writing it so small, nobody can read it but you, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about like three names maybe, maybe two, maybe one, I don’t know. But your name should definitely be on that list of people.

[00:08:22] But if you’re not being selective in seeking a mentor, you’re just talking. You’re not clear on what it is that you’re want. You’re not even weighing their opinion against yours because you’re not clear on what your opinion is. That’s the thing we’re looking out here. Like I said, you’re looking out outside of yourself.

[00:08:39] And you’re not even sure what your opinion is to weigh their opinion against yours to see like, oh, actually that is the better option, or No, you know, I still like my idea better. You’re not doing that. Okay. The third thing is you don’t know how to get quiet to look for answers within yourself. Okay? This is not something that we are good at at all.[00:09:00]

[00:09:00] I know that because I’m not good at it and I try this often. I mean, I do this practice like. Weekly, multiple times. I try to get quiet within myself and I still forget, I still come outta that meditative space and I’m still like flitting around and doing all this stuff. And then the next day I’m like, okay, back here.

[00:09:17] We’re coming back to ourselves. This is a really hard thing for us to do. Because culturally it doesn’t, it, it doesn’t mesh well with the cultural messages that we get. Okay. The fourth reason that you are seeking for other people’s approval is you don’t want people to ask you about your decisions because you’re super uncomfortable.

[00:09:38] Think about that one for a second. This happened to me all the time when I changed my diet over to being plant-based. So I’ve mentioned before, I started eating plant-based in 2004, and that was a really long time ago. So if you’re new to the podcast, that’s kind of where I started on this whole thing was back in the fitness and wellness space long ago.

[00:09:58] So, I [00:10:00] remember going to social events and having people look at my plate and ask me questions about it, and my mouth would go super dry and my heart would start racing and my hands would get super clammy and I would super care what it was they thought about the food on my plate. And I did not like going to these events.

[00:10:20] I mean, I was totally pitting out and I was just really uncomfortable and I’d stammer over my words and it was just awkward. It was just super, super awkward about the whole thing. What’s different now is I will go to an event, or I’ll have my plate of food and I could care less

[00:10:36] if somebody makes a comment about the food on my plate. I don’t even care. I genuinely could give two hoots about it. I don’t even care. Because I have given myself permission to be plant-based and to let even people eat whatever it is that they want or to have their opinions about my food. That’s the other thing that was so interesting to me.

[00:10:56] How many people had opinions about what it was I was eating? [00:11:00] That’s odd. But people do. So once I could release all of that and I just gave myself permission to do my thing with my food, then it became super, super great. Okay. Same with homeschooling my kids. That was another thing that I was so uncomfortable with because I did not give myself permission to do that, and so I was seeking outside of myself for people to be like, that’s a great idea.

[00:11:24] I think you should totally homeschool your kids. But even if they had that belief about homeschool or not homeschool, I was so clammy and uncomfortable and sweaty about that too, because I just hadn’t given myself permission to be like, yeah, we’re totally doing this and it’s gonna rock, and some days it’s gonna suck, and overall it’s gonna be amazing.

[00:11:45] I did not do that. I did not have that conversation with myself until multiple months, maybe even years into the process. Yeah, I think it was probably a year or a year and a half or something into homeschooling where I’m like, no. This is awesome. This is what we’re doing. [00:12:00] Okay. The fifth reason you know that you’re not giving yourself approval is you want to explain things to other people.

[00:12:07] You feel like you’re justifying the reasons why you’re doing things to them. When they may care, they may not. I don’t know, but that’s what you do. You’re making excuses for yourself and it comes through your mouth and it feels super yucky. So if you’re not grounded in yourself and you’re feeling like you’re having to make excuses for things, and sometimes, sometimes I do this when I’m buying something. Everybody’s got a money story. So if you haven’t unraveled yours, this might be a place where you need to give yourself permission.

[00:12:38] Okay? So ultimately what I want you to think about is who decides. When you’re thinking about a decision to make, what it is that you’re gonna have for dinner, the business that you’re going to start, the way that you’re going to spend your money, who decides if your idea is amazing? Who decides that? Who decides how you should be [00:13:00] spending your time or your resources?

[00:13:03] Who decides if you look good, you do. So I want you to practice being really intentional about deciding to give yourself approval about your ideas, your amazing ideas, because they truly are amazing.

[00:13:20] I want you to start planning your life from your highest self. And that includes all the decisions that you make, the way you spend your time, the way you spend your money, the way that you look, the clothes that you put on your body, whether you work out or don’t, whether you eat broccoli or you don’t. I mean, whatever it is, I want you to get crystal clear on what those priorities are, and I want you to plan your life from that space. Is a garden in alignment with those priorities? Then I want you to go for it. If not, then it’s not your gig. At least not right now. We have plenty of time to do the things that matter. [00:14:00]

[00:14:00] You don’t have time for everything. You don’t want to. You don’t want to have time for everything. I want you to be thinking about, do you want to spend your time doing something and I want you to go to the end of the road. I know for me, I love to garden. I have a garden. I decide to garden because I love the whole garden experience knowing that gardening is 50 50. For me, like last year I think I mentioned on the podcast, I totally lost the battle with the wasps last year and I didn’t end up getting a chance to harvest all of the things cuz I was afraid I was gonna get stung out there.

[00:14:35] I’d gotten stung pretty badly by one little wasp. It got me twice on the insides of my thighs, which swelled up tremendously. And so every time I walked, the insides of my thighs were rub together. It was so painful and itchy for like three weeks. It was awful. So anyway, I kind of gave up on it intentionally because I’m like, I’m not doing this. I’m not coming out here getting stung. I don’t have the bandwidth [00:15:00] right now to deal with wasps and the garden. So I just kinda let it go. And that was okay cuz my husband was deployed and I had other fish to fry and it was okay to let the garden go.

[00:15:09] It was okay. But this year I’ve decided I’m gonna do the garden again and we’ll see what happens. And it was because the garden is always a great experience. I love seeing flowers outside of my window and that keeps me going. So that is why I wanna do it, and I make time for it. And I’m happy that I choose my garden and what the results are.

[00:15:29] And sometimes the results are amazing and sometimes they aren’t. And I’m still here for all of it. But I want you to be thinking also, what are the trade-offs Of doing your idea, whatever that is, doing the thing that you wanna do. If you’re saying yes to this thing by default what are you saying no to?

[00:15:48] If I am doing my garden, I’m very clear on when I’m doing that during the week and what that looks like and what I’m not able to get to during that time, because I choose that. So you wanna be thinking [00:16:00] all the way through. What is the alternative? What would your life look like if you don’t move forward with this idea?

[00:16:06] Do you like that? Is that okay? If you’re telling yourself you should do a garden, but in the long run you’re like, you know what? I actually like the way my life looks without the garden. Then like that, like that decision, you’re the one who gets to decide.

[00:16:19] It doesn’t matter what anyone else would decide. Whether they would do a garden or they would not do a garden, whether they would cut their hair short or not cut their hair short. Don’t let that be your guide. Let yourself be your guide when you’re making decisions like this.

[00:16:34] You don’t wanna downplay your ideas. You have beautiful ideas. Okay. Last thing real quick. If you are local, if you live in the Denver area, anywhere in the Denver area, I’m down in Parker, but you can be down in Castle Rock.

[00:16:47] You can even be down in the Springs. If you are listening to the podcast and you wanna come to my live event that is happening on July 26th, I would love to have you join me. It’s going to be on Wednesday evening at seven. You can [00:17:00] also RSV P for that event. Coming up in just, just a few weeks, maybe just one week, the time this podcast goes live.

[00:17:08] It’s coming up and I would love, love, love to have you come. So if that sounds amazing to you, please go to janeenalley.com and r RSVP for the live event over there. It’s free and it would be so fun for me to get to know you and meet you there. All right, you guys, have a wonderful rest of your week and we’ll catch you guys soon.

[00:17:27] See ya. Bye.



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