115. Stop Using Your Goals Against Yourself

by | Sep 29, 2022

Do you ever want to give up on your goal because you feel like you’ll NEVER get there (so why bother)?

We often have so much shame and pain around reaching a goal we talk ourselves out of it.

We tell ourselves we’re just fine the way we are – we’re supposed to love ourselves anyway right?

If you’re doing this, you have to listen to this week’s episode! We talk about how you can actually ENJOY and love yourself all along the way toward your amazing goal.

Stop giving up on yourself! Your dreams, wants, and desires are more important than you may realize (I cover that too!).

Enjoy! xo, Janeen

> WATCH on YouTube

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TRANSCRIPTION: 

[00:00:00] Well, Hey, you guys welcome back to another episode of the podcast. It is early in the morning for me. I am getting this podcast recorded before I head to the gym today. And it is a little bit eerie outside here in Colorado. It is foggy and misty and rainy and this is not our norm. So it’s a little spooky.

[00:00:24] little spooky out there for me today, I guess Halloween’s coming up. So, this is what we got.

[00:00:30] So, yeah, I’m recording this early in the morning. I love to work before I go to the gym in the morning. And before I start homeschooling with my daughter, Emma. So today what I’ve got on my docket is this podcast. And this is the way I roll sometimes. So it’s all good.

[00:00:47] So I have been coaching on this topic quite a bit lately and how we end up using our goals against ourselves. I wanna talk you through this process of how this happens and how so [00:01:00] much of the conversation that’s going on in our heads is totally optional. I mean, all of it is optional, but I think we don’t see it as something that is optional in the moment and it just creates so much pain and so much discomfort to the point where we end up giving up on our goals and talking ourselves out of something that we really ultimately want to do.

[00:01:21] So here’s how this works. We create a goal like losing weight or starting a business or making money or doing something. And at first we feel super excited about that goal. We’re super pumped. We make a plan and we get started on it. And as we start moving toward the goal, we end up failing, which is inevitable.

[00:01:42] We are all going to fail towards the goal, but we don’t like this. We think that’s fine for everyone else. Failure’s great for everyone else, but me . So when we fail, when we don’t follow through on the thing that we say we’re going to [00:02:00] do, we end up giving up. So I wanna hone in on this process so that you can see how you’re doing this

[00:02:06] so you can stop. You can stop doing this. Because ultimately what we do is we draw conclusions that there’s something wrong with us. I think sometimes we tell ourselves, but I’ve been going for this for so long, or I’ve wanted this for so long and I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t stand going for this goal anymore. And so I’m out and what we do is we change our goal. We talk ourselves out of that goal, but the truth is, is we don’t like the discomfort of failing.

[00:02:37] We don’t like the discomfort of not following through. Because of the conversation that’s going on in our minds. It’s not because of the goal. It’s not the goal’s fault. It’s the way that we’re talking to ourselves about it. We end up beating ourselves up, telling ourselves things like I knew it, I knew you weren’t gonna get this,

[00:02:57] I knew you weren’t cut out for this, I knew [00:03:00] there was something wrong with you. And so we give up. In my opinion, that is tragic because there is a reason why we want what it is that we want, but we tell ourselves, well, it was just a vain goal anyways, or it was just greedy for you to want to start your own business and make some extra money.

[00:03:20] Something like that. And some of the ways that we talk ourselves out of our goals are kind of subtle. We tell ourselves if I could just live in my ideal world, this wouldn’t be hard. Let’s just take an example of a weight loss goal or this for just a second. If I could live in an ideal world, when I’m around food is I just eat intuitively, and it’s amazing, and I just keep the weight off, and it’s all good.

[00:03:43] As if that’s gonna work, you’re like basically saying. I don’t wanna have a plan because my plan creates pain. This is the, the conclusion that you’ve drawn in your mind. So I’m just gonna give up on the plan, but we all know how that works because we all have a primitive brain.

[00:03:58] So if you’re not managing [00:04:00] your mind around your plan, you’re not gonna be managing your mind around your food either. So you’re gonna end up over eating. I know in your mind, it sounds all great and rainbows and daisies and amazingness, but that’s not the way it is. We have plans for a reason.

[00:04:14] Our plans help us to stay on track. And if we don’t have a plan, we’re not gonna stay on track. So this happens with a plan to do whatever it is that you want or to eat on your food protocol or to follow your coach. We try to just kind of branch off and do it our own way and abandon everything and try something totally different.

[00:04:34] I wanna share an analogy with you about this as I was thinking about this, I hope you can see yourself in this journey towards your goal in this analogy. And I have found myself in these different situations and scenarios that I’m gonna talk to you about.

[00:04:49] So when we have a goal it’s making a plan to swim to an island. We’re at a lake, we’re at this beautiful lake and there’s this little island in the middle of the lake and we want to swim out to the [00:05:00] island. We think it would be so fun. So we’re there, we’re with our friends and we see the island and we have different varieties of swimmers. Right. We have somebody who’s just, they’re on the dock and they want to swim to the island and they stick their toe in and they’re like, okay, it’s cold. I’m a little uncomfortable.

[00:05:19] This is not quite what I expected. I wanted to swim the island. I wanted to have warm water there. I wanted to have this floaty underneath me. So I wouldn’t have to do all the work of staying afloat and swimming out there. I wanted it to be fun. I wanted it to be easy. I wanted it to be warm and then you start talking yourself out of it.

[00:05:37] You’re like, well, I’m not really a good swimmer anyway. I don’t really feel like I’m cut out for this. I’m out. I don’t really wanna do this you guys. I’d rather just watch everyone else swim. This is what we do with our goal, right? Let’s say we have a weight loss goal, and we dabble in our plan. We dabble with our protocol.

[00:05:55] We might start and stop on our way to our goal. We never really [00:06:00] like jump all the way in and give it a try. We talk ourselves out of it. We’re like, mm that’s just not for me.

[00:06:07] Another way that we do this is we jump in and we start swimming and we start, go, go going towards the goal. But we’re not sighting the island, we’re just swimming and we’re veering off in one direction and we’re out totally in a different area of the lake. And we’re like, I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve been swimming. I’ve been doing the work. I don’t know how I got all the way out here. I don’t know if you’ve done this before either.

[00:06:31] This actually happened to me in my business. I’ll give you a real life example of this. I had created a marketing funnel. That started off with a quiz. So I was driving traffic through ads to this quiz and I was getting leads and they were actually really inexpensive leads.

[00:06:46] They were cheap leads and I was getting all these people on my list and I was so excited about it. Well, it turns out all the people that were taking this quiz, weren’t buying my products because there was a disconnect between the quiz

[00:06:59] and then [00:07:00] also the product that I had created, there was like this massive disconnect. So people were taking the quiz and I wasn’t able to offer them what it was that they wanted because they were taking the quiz for something totally different. And. I stayed with that quiz for months, I kept putting money in cuz I was getting cheap leads and I’m like, why isn’t anybody buying anything?

[00:07:18] Finally I had one of my marketing coaches take a look at it and he’s like, you’re not selling off anything off of this. Are you ? I’m like, no. And he is like, yeah, because it’s this massive disconnect.

[00:07:29] This is what happens. We try to go for a goal and we do it our way and we look up and we’re not anywhere near where we hoped to be. And we’re so frustrated because we put in all of this work. And we are heading in the wrong direction. We’re never even citing the buoy or the island or wherever it is that we’re swimming and I’ve done open water swims.

[00:07:46] I’ve done triathlons in the ocean before, and it can be disorienting. It can be really frustrating cuz anytime you have to pick your head up, you have to stop this stroke. You have to stop and pause and you’re supposed to cite like [00:08:00] every five strokes or something. It’s crazy. Like every five strokes, I’m gonna lose my rhythm, but this is what we need to do when we’re trying to go for a goal. It’s uncomfortable.

[00:08:10] It’s not pleasant. It’s like jumping in the lake and it’s freezing cold and you’re like, I’m out. I’m not doing this. I didn’t think it was gonna be this uncomfortable.

[00:08:17] And the thing is, is there have been times that you have stayed with the goal you’ve gotten to the island and you’ve enjoyed the process. But you’re not applying that same determination, that same fortitude to what it is that you’re working on right now. And you’re drawing conclusions that there’s something wrong with you.

[00:08:34] But the truth is, is when you’re going for that other goal, you didn’t make it mean anything about you. You see this all the time with little kids, little kids expect that they’re gonna be new at something. You watch a child try to go for a goal. And they’re just out there kind of playing as they’re trying to reach the goal, they’re watching the other kids get the goal. They’re like, Hey, I’m gonna get this. But we lose that as we get older, we don’t like being new. but I want [00:09:00] to offer to you one thing here. There is a world where you can try and go for that same goal. The one that feels impossible, the one that feels really, really hard. We can actually enjoy the process. We can actually swim out to the island and enjoy ourselves.

[00:09:16] But the way that we do that is we have different expectations for what we’re doing right now. Right now we expect that it’s going to be easy and that it’s going to be fun and it’s gonna feel natural and you’re not gonna fail.

[00:09:30] That’s why it’s uncomfortable because of what you’re making it mean. I thought it was gonna be different than this. I didn’t realize it was gonna be this hard. If you want to enjoy your goal, you need to have different expectations of what that journey looks like. It’s going to be hard, but you can do hard things and you’ve done it before.

[00:09:49] This is the best way to get the goal and to keep the goal. We want the goal because we think we’re going to feel amazing once we reach the goal. [00:10:00] We wanna lose the weight because we think we’re gonna feel amazing, but that’s not the case. If you have those same brain patterns that are going on right now, you’re gonna be just as miserable there as you are here, cuz you haven’t done the work to transform what it is that you’re thinking and what you’re making it mean.

[00:10:19] Because the truth is there isn’t any better than here. And I’ve shared this example before on the podcast, but I’m gonna share it again, cuz this is something I’ve thought about over and over and over again with my business. I had one of my business coaches that said, and this was at the very beginning of my journey, my coach said, I know you guys think that making a lot of money like making a million dollars is gonna solve all of your problems. He’s like it’ll solve a few problems, but the truth is you’re gonna have a whole new set of problems once you get that goal. In fact, one of my clients has been working on a weight loss goal and she reached the goal and she’s like, I think I need to keep working with you because now I have a whole new [00:11:00] set of challenges.

[00:11:00] I have to maintain this weight. When, once we get the goal, we feel like we can let ourselves off the hook. We’re like, I made it. I’m gonna relax. All my wild dreams have come true. And we. We stop paying attention to our thoughts about things. We stop trying to continue to achieve. And so we become a little bit relaxed about it and we end up falling off the wagon, so to speak with that goal.

[00:11:27] So I have a few tips here as far as what to do, if this is you. So the first thing that I want you to do is I want you to stop taking your goal so dang seriously. So often what we do with our goals is we make it our ride or die. Your goal is not going to make you more. It’s not gonna make you more amazing, more enough, more worthy.

[00:11:53] So I want you to release that. So often we try to go for a goal and we, we have all this shame around it [00:12:00] because we’re not getting it. We think there’s something wrong with us. We think we’re inadequate. We think that we are less worthy or less enough because we’re not able to achieve what it is that we want.

[00:12:10] That is all baloney, my friends, if I wasn’t doing a family friendly podcast, I’d say something else. But that is the truth. When we do this, we want our goal to do something that is not even possible for that goal to do for us. It’s not your goal’s job to make you enough.

[00:12:29] It’s impossible. You’re already enough. You’re already worthy. You’re already amazing. So want you to stop taking your goal so seriously. Just take a deep breath in and understand that your goal’s job is to help you transform your mind. It’s not to make your life more amazing or you more amazing or any of that stuff.

[00:12:51] It’s just there as a way for you to grow and for you to expand. And if you don’t do the mind work in the process, you [00:13:00] don’t get the gold. That really is what the goal is there for..

[00:13:04] All right. The second step that I have for you is to stop taking your goal personally. It’s not about you. There’s nothing wrong with you. You have a thought that’s in your brain that’s keeping you from achieving the results for the day. That’s it. So often what happens is we try something out and we try it over and over again, this is the, the same thing as the swimmer. That’s swimming out somewhere in the middle of the lake, not to the island, right?

[00:13:34] We’re like, I, I am doing everything I possibly can. Listen. I understand you’re working so hard towards that goal, but what you’re doing right now is not working. There’s a thought that’s there, there’s a process that you’re taking that is not working for you. So, what do you need to do?

[00:13:50] So often what we do is we think that our actions are going to give us our results. But our actions are driven by emotions, which are driven by our [00:14:00] thoughts. So ultimately it’s the thought that matters. And if you are believing that you are not capable of getting the goal, like underneath all of that desire to have the goal, if you truly believe that you’re not gonna get it, you’re not gonna get it. Because you’re going continue to self sabotage along the way. You’re gonna try something and you’re gonna go all in and it doesn’t work. And you’re like, I knew it. So you bounce back.

[00:14:24] This is why we start and stop with things is because we ultimately don’t believe that we can get it. And this is the difference between somebody who is consistently working towards something versus somebody who doesn’t have it yet.

[00:14:38] Because you guys, the truth is I’m not a perfect eater. I don’t eat a hundred percent on my protocol every single day, but I do a really good job.

[00:14:48] But the thing is when I don’t eat on my protocol, I don’t make it mean that I am gonna gain weight and that I’m a loser and there’s something wrong with me. I’m like, oh yeah. I just had that little thing. [00:15:00] No big deal. Let’s go. I don’t really even think twice about it. I just keep going with my life.

[00:15:06] That is the difference between somebody who eats off protocol every once in a while and is successful with it versus somebody who makes it mean they’re gonna gain weight, because if you’re thinking you’re gonna gain weight, you will.

[00:15:20] It’s the same with any goal that we’re trying to get. All right. The next step that I have is I want you to stop judging why you want something. I think particularly with weight loss and with money goals, we make it mean things that are totally untrue. When we’re talking ourselves out of our goal, because we feel like we can’t get it, or we can’t achieve

[00:15:40] we tell ourselves, well, you really shouldn’t want that anyway. it’s interesting because, because we think to ourselves, well, if you really wanted that, if you really got that, you’d end up being greedy or you’d end up being vain. Like having a weight loss goal, we think to ourselves is vain. Why would you think that?

[00:15:59] Are you a vain [00:16:00] person? Maybe. I think maybe we all are to some degree. Right. But the thing is, is like, why would you tell yourself that about a goal that you want? You wanna lose weight because of the reasons why you wanna lose weight.

[00:16:12] You will feel better in the clothes that you have. You will be able to move a little bit easier. You’ll have more energy. You’ll be able to get into the games and play with your kids and, you know, get off the sidelines of life because you’re carrying less weight around because you feel like you’ll just be lighter and it would be amazing over there.

[00:16:32] That’s fine. Go for the goal for those reasons, but don’t try to talk yourself out of it because you feel like it’s a vain goal. That’s not helpful.

[00:16:40] Another reason why we talk ourselves out of our goals is because we feel like if I want to change something about my life, I’m not being grateful for what I have right now. And I wanna offer to you that you can have both things. You can be grateful for your body right now and still wanna drop weight.

[00:16:57] You can be grateful for your life [00:17:00] circumstances and all the blessings that you have and still wanna earn money. Those two things can coexist at the same time. And in fact, it’s the way to achieve your goal and keep it.

[00:17:13] You can love yourself and want to progress. I think culturally, we tell ourselves that we have to be in this state of mind where we beat ourselves up to get something we have to be dissatisfied with what’s happening right now to justify the means to getting what it is that we want.

[00:17:31] But that is not true. You can love yourself now -love yourself exactly the way that you are, and still want to grow. We are designed to progress. And I know this is something that is a thought that I have, but I think it’s why I want to progress, I think it’s why my clients want to progress is because innately that is who we are.

[00:17:52] We are not designed to stay still and to be stagnant. And so when we are we start to get restless. [00:18:00] And then when we do beat ourselves up we talk ourselves out of that, we’re like, no, that’s too much work. No, I should be grateful, like not helpful at all. So we end up abandoning our plan. We talk ourselves out of what it is that we want. Stop doing that.

[00:18:17] Right. the other thing that I want to offer to you is anytime you’ve got these really big swings and emotion with your goal. You’ve got a lot of drama that needs to get cleaned up. And I know this from, for myself because with my business in particular, when I first started out and this still surfaces from time to time, but when I first started out, there was all of these really big swings of emotion.

[00:18:40] I’d get a client and I was just on top of the world. I would just be elated about it. And then if something didn’t work out, I would just like come crashing down and there’d just be like tears for days, you know. I’ve totally even that out. I love my business. I’m loving the process of it. It’s so much fun and it’s fun because I’ve [00:19:00] shifted that mindset of making it mean something personal about me versus enjoying the journey and enjoying the growth opportunities that are there.

[00:19:08] The last thing that I wanna say here is you want to give yourself permission to have fun. This kind of goes along with all the other things that I’ve been saying. If you’re not fun, that’s a red flag that you’re doing it wrong. and wrong as in, you’ve got these beating up conversations that are not going to be sustainable. Those conversations are not going away, like I said, when you get the goal. So you want to learn how to have fun in this process and asking yourself that question, how can this be fun? Is gonna help you tune into what it is that you’re thinking right now and what it is that you’re making things mean if you don’t reach the goal. You’re not doing it wrong.

[00:19:45] I promise you. You’re not. You might be taking actions that are not giving you the result. So now what are you gonna do? That’s it, that’s the question that you need to ask. Change tactics, go at it from a different way. Oftentimes, what happens is we have one way [00:20:00] in our minds and if that way doesn’t work, the whole thing is broken.

[00:20:05] We totally switch gears. We talk ourselves out of it. We create a different plan. We go for a different goal. Stop doing that. Continue to go for the goal. There’s a reason why you want what it is that you want. And it’s fine. And it’s great. So go for it.

[00:20:19] Go for it. There isn’t anything wrong with you. Stop changing your goals; start changing what you’re making it mean about you. That’s it. All right. My friends. That’s what I have for you today. I hope that you have a wonderful rest of your day doing whatever it is that you’re doing. I’m catch you guys soon.

[00:20:36] Take care. Bye.

 

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