“Have a great summer – Don’t change!” This is written all over the inside of my high school yearbooks. And honestly, at the time I probably wrote the same thing. LOL.
The difficult thing is most of the people in our lives want us to stay the same so they feel better about staying the same. Because change is hard. Staying the same is comfortable. But I’m guessing since you’re here, staying the same is probably not what you want for your life.
Today on the podcast, I’m talking about who you BELONG to. When I say “belong” I’m talking about whose opinions of you matter. If we’re not clear on this, we end up subconsciously trying to live up to someone else’s expectations of our lives. And like I said, usually their expectations for us aren’t awesome.
Join me inside as I share all the juicy details of how to belong to yourself so you can break free from these expectations. I’ll see you there! xo, Janeen
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[00:00:00] Janeen: Okay, you guys welcome. Welcome back to another episode of the podcast. I am super excited to be hanging out with all of the mamas who do today on the podcast talking about how we self-sabotage on our dreams to belong to our tribes of people that we hang out with. And tribes I mean family, and friends, and our communities and all the things.
[00:00:24] So before I get into the content today, I have a quick little invite for you. I’ve been talking up the masterclass that I’ve been doing through the month of March, and maybe a little bit towards the end of February, but I’m gonna keep going with it. I am loving connecting with the people who have shown up. I have loved connecting with you on email, and I want to continue to share this information. By the way. It’s called Five Productivity Mistakes busy Moms can’t afford to make, especially if they’re feeling burned out and behind.
[00:00:55] But each week I am learning more. I am presenting a [00:01:00] slightly different class and it is going super well right now. So if you are interested in joining me, I am still doing these classes. They are on Wednesday afternoons. Please just register. Just go to my website, janeenalley.com to register, or you can go to workshop.janeenalley.com.
[00:01:17] All of those places are gonna take you over to the registration page. Fill in your information there and I will see you live inside of the masterclass. These are super fun for me to do because I can answer questions and we can interact over there, so, so join me. I would love to have you be there with me and go through some of the material that we cover on the Mamas Who Do Podcast.
[00:01:39] Okay. So today, like I mentioned, we are talking about how we self sabotage on our dreams to belong to our people. And most importantly, we’re talking about what to do about this. Because so often we don’t subconsciously realize how we are self sabotaging. So here’s the truth. We all want to belong, [00:02:00] and this is one of the things that I think Brene Brown does such a wonderful job of teaching, is how we all have such a desire to be loved and to belong to other people.
[00:02:11] And she shows us in so many different ways why we worry about what other people think about us. We all, like I said, have this desire to belong and it is something that is innate within each of us. It’s something that is part of our DNA because evolutionarily speaking. If we got kicked out of our tribe, if we no longer belonged to our tribe, we would die. Because human beings are pack animals, so to speak.
[00:02:38] Right? We needed our pack to survive. We couldn’t do all of the things that our tribes did for us. We could specialize in one thing and then the tribe helped us to survive with the other things that we weren’t doing. So I want you thinking, who are your people who are part of some of your tribes? You might have tribes, of course,
[00:02:58] from your family or from [00:03:00] friends or from your church community or from work or from your kids’ school or, there’s just so many different places where we find and collect these friends. And the thing is, is this is one of the things that I have learned over time is that if we didn’t care what other people think about us, we would be psychopaths,
[00:03:21] So we care. We all care. This can get away from us though when we’re not aware of it. If we are not paying really close attention to how that might conflict with what it is that we’re up to or what it is that we want, or what it is that we dream about, we have a tendency to self sabotage on these deeper desires that we have. And I think the thing that matters here is being intentional about whose opinions matter, because that’s not going to go away. And even more specifically, what those opinions are.
[00:03:58] If you’re trying to reach a goal, for [00:04:00] example, I think a more obvious thought that we catch sometimes is, what if I do this and it doesn’t work? And so we fail ahead of time. We don’t even go for the goal because we’re like, well, what if I do this and I fail and then I don’t have any other ideas about what else to try?
[00:04:14] At least if I’m not doing anything, then I still have hope that something might work. , okay, we do this. I know it sounds crazy when I bring it to light like that, but we do this all the time, but there is even a more subtle thought that we have. And it’s what if this does work? What if this does work and we are no longer accepted by the people who you are just thinking about who are inside of your tribes.
[00:04:45] So let me share how this comes up. I actually have a very specific example. Because I was coaching someone who wanted to exercise regularly, and this is someone who has exercised regularly in the past and has been very successful actually at losing [00:05:00] weight to a point. So she’s noticed that when she does lose the weight, she actually stops exercising and gains the weight back on. And I was asking her, okay, why? Why do we do this? And just to kinda get some clarity on what her brain was doing. And she was telling me, well, I think I’m thinking like, what if I do it and it doesn’t work? But I’m like, but it does work. You do lose the weight. What else is going on? Because you just told me that when you exercise, you actually lose weight.
[00:05:30] So what else is going on? And she’s like, oh, I’m thinking what if I do it and it does work. So we got a little bit more into the story. So she has three siblings and things have always come easier for her. This is of course her thought, but her thought process is things have always come easier for her in her life.
[00:05:50] She has been good at school. She’s been sporty in the past. She’s had lots of friends that has been really easy for her. She has gotten married and has, a beautiful [00:06:00] family and they do really well for themselves. and as a child, back in the day she got picked on because she did the quote unquote right thing.
[00:06:09] She lived up to the expectations of her parents and her community, and she was rewarded by that. what’s difficult for her is she feels like things have been hard for her siblings.
[00:06:22] And so by gaining the weight and putting the weight back on, it kind of evens the playing field. She doesn’t wanna be too skinny because that’s gonna be one more thing her siblings can be upset about. And all of this, of course, is made up in her mind. Sometimes we have people who say things, but most of the time this conversation is all going on in our own heads.
[00:06:45] We don’t really know that people are jealous of us or think this way. A lot of times we just elaborate on this story. So let me give you another example of the way this works. If you’re trying to build a business, for example, and you’re worried about having more [00:07:00] money than you currently do because of what other people think. You’re going to end up not turning a super big profit in your business. Again, to kind of keep that playing field even. And this is fascinating to think about because we all have ideas about how much money we should be making in our lives. I want you thinking about that. Where do those thoughts and ideas come from? Usually comes from the way that we were raised and the communities that we grew up. , and it’s totally fine to think a different way.
[00:07:35] One of the things that has really helped me is questioning whose opinions matter, and one of the things that Brene says that I’ve loved and I’ve thought about over and over again is make sure that you write down on a one inch by one inch piece of paper whose opinion really matters to you..
[00:07:55] So one inch by one inch. It’s not very big. I mean, it’s pretty small , [00:08:00] right? And I think about whose names are on my one inch by one inch piece of paper. I’ve got Jesus on there. I’ve got my husband on there, and I have myself on there. Maybe there’s room for one more person on there from time to time, but it comes and goes, right?
[00:08:18] Not all the time someone else’s opinion is going to matter to me. How does this list on this one inch by one inch piece of paper differ from what your subconscious mind is thinking is important?
[00:08:29] Who are you trying to subconsciously please? who do you subconsciously care about that if you really thought about it, doesn’t really belong on that list? And this is really important to get some clarity around. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love them. It doesn’t mean that you can’t listen to them, but what this does mean is not everybody’s opinions need to be your opinions, especially when it comes to what you’re doing about your life.
[00:08:56] The thing that I really want you to pay attention to is [00:09:00] the people that you want to belong to. We don’t live in a time period where if you ruffle someone’s feathers, you die. Generally speaking, , right? Hopefully that’s not the case in your life, but it feels like it does sometimes, but it doesn’t happen. We spend a lot of time and energy worrying about offending other people and being all up in their business.
[00:09:25] So I want you to be really concerned about what is your business. Again, back to Brene Brown. There’s quite a bit of Brene references today in the podcast, but another thing that has come to mind, I’m even kind of going off script right now with my notes, but one of the things that she says is you need to be really clear on what is your business, what is other people’s business, and what is God’s business?
[00:09:47] I just love thinking about that. I’m like, okay, that’s not even my business. This is my business, and those are things that we really need to get clear on. So what are you up to? What is your [00:10:00] business? What do you want out of your life? If no one else’s opinions mattered to you, what do you want?
[00:10:08] Whose opinions of you do you need to let go of in order to make those goals and dreams that you have happen? whose opinions do you intentionally want to take into consideration? I think being able to differentiate between your subconscious lists of whose opinions matter to you and your conscious list of whose opinions matter to you, matters.
[00:10:31] I think this is really important to get some clarity around and behind. Otherwise, what happens is you are going to continue to self-sabotage because if you’re not clear on whose opinions matter, those opinions are going to keep you playing small. . I’ve shared this analogy before about the crabs in the bucket, and I’m gonna share this again. This is something that I learned actually in my very first business class, and I loved it. I’ve thought about it many, many times. But when we are [00:11:00] going for a dream or a goal, sometimes it feels like we’re leaving people in the dust , right?
[00:11:06] That’s what it feels like, right? If you ever watch crab, In a bucket, they can actually be, if they’re together, they can actually be in a very shallow bucket, meaning the walls of the bucket aren’t very tall. And the reason why this works for crabs is as soon as one of the little crabs tries to start climbing over the wall, his little crabby friends will grab him and yank him back in the bucket.
[00:11:28] They’re like, where do you think you’re going? You ain’t going nowheres, . That’s what they do. Right? And this happens to us often when we are trying to reach a goal or a dream. Let’s just start food, for example, this is such a classic example. We can even do this with losing weight or joining a different church or just so many things where people feel like, wait a second, you’re changing and I’m not right there with you, and it feels like we’re not going to belong to each other anymore.
[00:11:57] So let’s just take food for an example. [00:12:00] I have taught plant-based nutrition classes for many years, and one of the things that was really hard for people was eating plant-based in social situations because other people would comment on their food. And it wasn’t so much their comments, right? It’s what they themselves, were making those comments mean like, oh my gosh, you’re judging me.
[00:12:18] You’re judging the fruits and vegetables on my plate, and you don’t like that I’m eating the fruits and vegetables, and it sometimes it feels like, People are pressuring you to eat other things, but truly that pressure is coming from your thoughts. People are just normally just having conversations. I don’t know how many times I’ve been in a social situation where I’ve just been rambling on and on and just making small talk and not really thinking about what it is that I’m saying. I’m thinking about what the babysitter is doing and how my kids are surviving tonight and you know, there’s other things that I’m thinking about, but I’m just trying to make casual conversation. I’m not trying to hurt anybody’s feelings or make anybody feel uncomfortable, although I’m sure that’s happened many times.
[00:12:58] But here we are in these social [00:13:00] situations and, and truly sometimes people are mean . Sometimes it’s intentional, but most of the time it’s not. But what I’m trying to say is as soon as it feels like we are different in some way based off of the food that we’re eating or the exercise routine that we’re taking on, or the way that we’re raising our kids, and now we’re homeschooling and everybody else isn’t.
[00:13:19] I mean, there’s so many different ways that we do this. It starts to feel like we’re being cut off. Like we’re different in a way that’s bad. But most of the time, I want you to understand this, most of the time when it comes to other people’s opinions and what they really think, we are just guessing. What’s also interesting is when we take a careful look at what our subconscious brain thinks is important, most of the time it’s not that important.
[00:13:47] But if we don’t take a look at it, it continues to function and operate as our manual for our life from our subconscious mind, which is crazy, right? The mind is so [00:14:00] powerful. You cannot overestimate the uni importance of practically everything. I’m gonna say that one more time. You cannot overestimate the uni importance of practically everything.
[00:14:15] So what does that mean, or what is, what have I taken that to mean? Why do I feel like this is so important? Is because most things in life aren’t important, but we think that they are. Things we see on social media, or what we think about other people’s opinions and how weighty we make those things sometimes, or different fads or trends, or most of the news.
[00:14:39] I want you thinking about what you think is really important. And then I want you to ask yourself why you think those things are important. And it’s been fascinating to me to see how influenced I’ve been to think some things are important just because of the culture that I live in and the tribes that I [00:15:00] surround myself with and how I was raised and all those things.
[00:15:03] The why piece of this and understanding why you think certain things are important is important. because getting crystal clear on what matters to you is just the clarity piece of like, oh, okay, yeah, that’s important to me. But when we ask why, sometimes you’re like, oh yeah, I guess that’s not really that important
[00:15:23] So make sure you ask yourself why. Why do you think that that is so important? Oftentimes these thoughts that we have are like dusty boxes in our attic. They take up space, right? How many of you have ever moved somewhere and you have all these boxes in your new house and you have no idea what’s in any of them, and you’re like, I secretly don’t wanna open any of these because I’m afraid of what’s in there.
[00:15:52] I think sometimes we think this way about our thoughts. But the truth about our thoughts, you can actually get rid of those boxes and never know what’s inside, and it’s okay. [00:16:00] But we can’t do that with our subconscious mind. We actually have to take a look because these thoughts continue to function and they continue to operate because we subconsciously believe them.
[00:16:11] At one point these thoughts made sense, and at one point they may have even served us, but unless we question them, they’re going to continue to be there. So I want you thinking clearly, who do you want to belong to? I wanna belong to God for sure. I wanna belong to myself. I wanna belong to my husband and I wanna belong to my kids.
[00:16:35] And already that list is kind of long, right? Seven people on that list. I don’t know if I can get everybody’s name in my one inch by one inch square. And truth be told, sometimes my kids’ opinions aren’t on that square. Depends on what it is that we’re talking about. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t love all the other people in my life just because their name isn’t on my list.
[00:16:58] I love my parents. I [00:17:00] love my siblings. I love my friends. I love you all. I do. , but y’all have a lot of opinions. , you do, and you all have a lot of great opinions, but I wanna be very careful about letting my extended family’s opinions and my friends’ opinions become my opinions.
[00:17:17] Because like I said, it’s a lot of opinions, number one, for me to clarity on everybody’s opinions, but it just becomes a lot of noise after a while and becomes very confusing. And when this happens, we become disconnected from ourselves, what we think is important and what we think matters and why those things matter.
[00:17:39] And this is one of the reasons it is so important for us to have quiet time to ourselves. What do we believe? What do we value? What are our morals in life and how do we wanna spend our time? What do we want? Why do some things matter to us and other things don’t matter? All of this is very [00:18:00] important to get some clarity around if we truly belong to ourselves and we truly belong to God,
[00:18:06] if that’s something that’s important to you, we have to set that time aside to be quiet and listen for these answers. And I know some of you’re like, I don’t have time to be quiet, , but I know you take a shower from time to time. You can create that quiet space in places like that. Okay? When you’re alone taking a shower, when you’re alone driving in your car, you can start there, but it doesn’t even have to be like in these places where you are alone, you can be in more of a meditative space in places where there are other people. I’ve actually been in a meditative state at a birthday party with a bunch of four-year-olds, believe it or not. I’ve also been in a meditative state often when I’m in heavy traffic. You can do this.
[00:18:52] but it starts with being quiet by yourself first. I don’t recommend trying to meditate with a bunch of four-year-olds round . It’s your [00:19:00] first go . Don’t try that. But you can also while you’re driving, I have before taken notes on my phone. I’ve just done like a voice to text where I’ve just talked.
[00:19:10] And then later on I listened back to that text and I asked myself, is this what you still believe? How would you change this? And kind of have this back and forth conversation where you’re pondering on notes that you’ve taken, whether it’s voice to text, whether it’s in your journal or whatever. Just because you said it or thought it at one time doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind or have a different opinion later on.
[00:19:36] But here’s something I truly believe about journaling. When I journal. My journal is not for anyone else to read, ever. I do not want my ancestor going through my journal and looking at my notes. I will hopefully burn my journalist before I die , or at least toss them in the trash or whatever before I die so people don’t go back through and be like, grandma, I can’t believe you thought that ever.
[00:19:59] This is just a [00:20:00] space for me to work all of this stuff out so that I am clear on what it is that I believe and why I believe these things. . It’s a beautiful way to kind of work yourself out, is on a piece of paper and to get to know yourself better. And this is what we need to do if we are to belong to ourselves, which I think is so important.
[00:20:22] This is the difference between self sabotaging because we subconsciously belong to other people versus moving forward with our dreams and our desires and the things that we really wanna go for in this life because we’re clear on what that looks like and we belong to ourselves.
[00:20:43] That’s the difference, my friends. So get clear on that this week. All right. I hope this podcast was helpful for you. If it made a difference in your life, I would love it if you shared it with a friend. I always post on my social media accounts. I’m over on Instagram @janeenalleycoaching, [00:21:00] I’m also on Facebook at Busy Mama Wellness, and so if you come across any of these posts, share them. Share them with your own communities. I would love that because I think that this material that I’m sharing, I’m learning and I’m applying to myself and to the women that I work with is so important because we live in this culture that we don’t question. And so if we can do that more and more often, I think we will find more peace and happiness and joy in our lives. And that is the goal. So if this podcast made a difference for you, please share. It would mean the world to me. All right, my friends. Have a beautiful rest of your week. We will talk to you soon. See ya. Bye.